After Impact: Reflections

Ironically, I'm the type of person who thinks they'll magically be healed after one week of physical therapy and medication. Who's going to tell her?

I had someone tell me that after the 10–14 day mark of concussion recovery, it's all a reflection of you as a person. The ongoing symptoms aren't due to the initial cause of injury, but rather other aspects of life. Someone please tell my doctors that. Maybe they won't continue making me shove pills down my throat.

In all seriousness though, I fear that is highly medically inaccurate.

Personality changes are common for people with Post Concussion Syndrome due to damaged neural pathways that regulate emotions. These emotional/behavioral changes aka “personality changes” go away with the right treatment. At least I have that to look forward to.

I’m still me and I still have my personality, it’s just essentially buried right now, and I have to dig it back up. So, the version people are seeing of me isn’t really “me.” It’s a one-way reflection of me. See what I’m getting at?

The location of the injury matters too. A brain injury can mess with the connections between the thinking part of your brain and the part that controls emotions and motivation. Essentially, the two parts that help you understand what’s happening and how you feel about it stop communicating properly.

Those connections are what help us process emotions, figure out how important something is, and respond in a way that makes sense. They’re what keep our thoughts and emotions in sync, telling us how serious something is, how we should feel about it, and how to react. When they’re damaged, emotions go off-script and reactions don’t always match what’s actually happening.

We’re going to continue adding to the list.

ADD can make concussion recovery even trickier because some of the symptoms overlap. Trouble focusing, staying organized, and managing impulses are already a challenge, and a concussion can make them feel ten times worse. The extra mental strain can leave your brain feeling overloaded, making it harder to think clearly or keep track of daily tasks. Memory, attention, and emotional regulation can all take a bigger hit than usual. Basically, recovery isn’t just about healing the concussion, it’s about handling everything your brain is already juggling.

My brain’s neurovascular coupling is essentially dysfunctional, meaning it isn’t delivering the right amount of blood or oxygen to the areas that need it at the right time. Because of that, my body has decided exercise is no longer its thing. Apparently regulating blood flow and oxygen is too much to ask right now. This means that swing and line dancing are completely off the table until further notice. My workout for the next while is walking. Lucky me.

Moral of the story:

I didn’t change. My brain did. My symptoms have turned life into something exhausting. Sometimes I’m just too tired. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up with conversations, like everyone’s talking in a different language, and finding the right words feels impossible and frustrating. I’m thinking of exactly what I want to say, but those aren’t the words that come out. The noise gets overwhelming, and I can’t determine what I’m supposed to be listening to. I get overstimulated faster than I ever used to. So I pull back because my brain taps out before I do. It’s not that I don’t want to be attentive. My brain just can’t keep up anymore.

And when your brain isn’t working the way it used to, the people around you don’t always know what to do with you.

I’m not always transparent with my love life, and if you know me, you probably know that. But man, I keep waking up with a pit in my stomach. Absolute panic. Every morning is a reminder that what once was there is now lost.

I let this weigh on our relationship more than I care to admit. He should’ve been my biggest reason. Instead, I fucked up. I let him down, and I let myself down too. Nothing about what was happening was fair to him.

Sometimes letting someone go is the most selfless thing you can do.

I know it’s for the better, at least for now. I just don’t want “right now” to turn into forever.

I’m being selfish though, because after everything that’s happened, this is what lingers. This is what I’m reflecting on the most.

Some breaks leave deeper cuts than you expect, and the deeper the cut, the higher the probability of scarring if not taken care of properly. Maybe healing means letting it hurt first. I’m winning with that one. This break still hurts like a bitch, and I cry at least once a day. But it means I cared. At least I can say that. Who the hell am I to be admitting it? I must’ve hit my head really hard. Pun intended.

I can only write so many letters, scroll through so many pictures, and revisit so many memories tucked away in the box of wristbands, tickets, coffee shop stickers, and flowers. Every tangible piece of our relationship. He was my better half. The one who gave me a new perspective on life and broadened my interests. You don’t just let go of someone like him.

Unfortunately for the readers, this isn’t a dual narrative. We’ll never fully know how the other side felt. I can only speak for myself, which means I probably sound ridiculous. Especially to him if he ever reads this in its entirety. But what can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic. A blessing and a curse.

Losing him hurts. But it’s not just him that’s gone. It’s pieces of myself, my friends, the life I once had without thinking, and the normal I can’t take for granted anymore. Maybe this is what the impact really feels like.

I can write as much as I want, but I still don't think people would understand enough to forgive me. So much of my life has been taken from me all in an instant. If not taken away, it's here with additional challenges. I never would’ve understood the impact of where I’m at without being put in this position.

Everything that is second nature, I now have to second guess.

I just want my life back.